Your Tok Mak, my beloved Mak passed away peacefully on 9 May 2011. It was a Monday. Even after 15 years (and 1 week exactly) that she has been in a coma/vegetative state and even though I knew this would come someday, it is still very hard on me. Even though that she was not able to talk to us or communicate anything to us for 15 years, I still look for her when I go back to Tok Bak's house. It saddens me tremendously that her physical self is no longer at Tok Bak's house.
This was my first time really helping out during a funeral. I helped bathe her with my siblings and others.It pains me to see her so thin. She was skin and bones. She didn't have anything in her tummy even with the food that was given in the past few days and the fact that she didn't pass motion over the past couple of days (Tok Bak told me this a few days after). I helped wrapped her. I prayed for her. I saw Pak Long and Alang receive her at the grave and laid her to rest in her final resting place. I saw her face in the grave, I never knew that you had to open up the kain and make sure that the forehead touches the soil. That was the toughest I think. I couldn't bear thinking of leaving her there. Alang was the one who had to open the kain and he broke down at the grave. This was our mother and we can't believe that she was really gone.
The day before was Mother's Day. My family had never been big about celebrating Mother's Day or Father's day but this year I felt that I wanted to do something for Mak. So I made this collage on Mother's Day and I posted it up in Facebook. But right after I posted it a thought crossed my mind like 'something is going to happen to Mak?' but I wrote if off saying that its all right. I'm just honouring Mak. I didn't expect that she will be gone forever the very next day.
Today, suddenly you said to me "Ma, you miss Tok Mak." Just like that. Out of the blue. It was not a question. It was a quiet statement and you were right. I guess a 5 year old child is very receptive. I have not been myself ever since Tok Mak passed. I am grieving. It feels wrong to move on even though I know I know it shouldn't be. We have to cope. Life goes on but it just feels wrong.
This was my first time really helping out during a funeral. I helped bathe her with my siblings and others.It pains me to see her so thin. She was skin and bones. She didn't have anything in her tummy even with the food that was given in the past few days and the fact that she didn't pass motion over the past couple of days (Tok Bak told me this a few days after). I helped wrapped her. I prayed for her. I saw Pak Long and Alang receive her at the grave and laid her to rest in her final resting place. I saw her face in the grave, I never knew that you had to open up the kain and make sure that the forehead touches the soil. That was the toughest I think. I couldn't bear thinking of leaving her there. Alang was the one who had to open the kain and he broke down at the grave. This was our mother and we can't believe that she was really gone.
The day before was Mother's Day. My family had never been big about celebrating Mother's Day or Father's day but this year I felt that I wanted to do something for Mak. So I made this collage on Mother's Day and I posted it up in Facebook. But right after I posted it a thought crossed my mind like 'something is going to happen to Mak?' but I wrote if off saying that its all right. I'm just honouring Mak. I didn't expect that she will be gone forever the very next day.
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| Mak and her babies. |
Today, suddenly you said to me "Ma, you miss Tok Mak." Just like that. Out of the blue. It was not a question. It was a quiet statement and you were right. I guess a 5 year old child is very receptive. I have not been myself ever since Tok Mak passed. I am grieving. It feels wrong to move on even though I know I know it shouldn't be. We have to cope. Life goes on but it just feels wrong.
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