Youtube

We love Youtube.  So much so that one day whilst in the car; the following happened. This was sometime in April 2011.

Arwen : Mama, at school we learned to sing the Selangor song.
Mama : Really? I don't know that song. Can you teach me?
Arwen : That's ok Ma, you can learn from Youtube.
Mama : ??????

I mean you're a 5 year old kid. How adorable is that? Yes, I do search Youtube when I need to learn something lately like how to knit, we searched for the Maher Zain's Barakallah song and we watched cartoons on Youtube. You get lyrics to just about any song with a click of a button. When I was a teenager, I had to use a cassette tape and keep pausing and rewinding the tape to hear and write out the lyrics to a song. Sheesshh..how times has changed.

"That was totally wicked!!"

Right now you like The Incredibles. Bak has been trying to get you to watch it before but of course when you don't want to, you just don't want too. It started off from Astro's showing of the movie and then we told you we have the cd and The Incredibles pyjamas as well as one that has Violet on it. Suddenly you wanted to dress up as Violet!. As always you love playing dress ups and will always try to complete the whole outfit with whatever we've got.

I think your favourite part was when the little boy on the tricycle went "That was totally wicked!!" and you do it exactly like him. So cute and adorable!

Conversations with Arwen

Last Sunday (12/6/2011) you and I were sitting at the Lake Gardens mini mart while Bak went cycling. You were eating ice cream and I was eating fruits. We saw a bride who was having her photos taken. We see this every time we come here and so I asked you;

Mama: Arwen, when you get married would you like to come here and have your photos taken here?
Arwen : Mama, I'm a child. I cannot get married.
Mama : No, I mean when you grow up.
Arwen : ..but Mama if I get married, I will miss you..

Yes Darling, I will miss you too. :)

Yesterday (15/6/2011) we were in the bedroom talking and watching TV you asked me;

Arwen: Ma, when I am a big kid, I still have to go to school??
Mama: Yes Arwen. You still have to go to school. If you get as old as me then you don't have to go to school.
Arwen:..but Ma, if I get as old as you I have to drive!! I don't know how to drive...

???!!! hahahaha you are so cute and funny. I know that driving seems intimidating to you now but just wait till you are a teenager. You will be pestering me for driving lessons!

Sometime end of April, we were all in the car going out for dinner and I heard you talking to yourself..."dua lepas, tiga lepas, empat lepas". I went "Arwen, what are you talking about?". You smiled sheepishly and I figured out that you were trying to count in Malay! Dua belas, tiga belas, empat belas!!!

Sadness...

Your Tok Mak, my beloved Mak passed away peacefully on 9 May 2011. It was a Monday. Even after 15 years (and 1 week exactly) that she has been in a coma/vegetative state and even though I knew this would come someday, it is still very hard on me. Even though that she was not able to talk to us or communicate anything to us for 15 years, I still look for her when I go back to Tok Bak's house. It saddens me tremendously that her physical self is no longer at Tok Bak's house.

This was my first time really helping out during a funeral. I helped bathe her with my siblings and others.It pains me to see her so thin. She was skin and bones. She didn't have anything in her tummy even with the food that was given in the past few days and the fact that she didn't pass motion over the past couple of days (Tok Bak told me this a few days after). I helped wrapped her. I prayed for her. I saw Pak Long and Alang receive her at the grave and laid her to rest in her final resting place. I saw her face in the grave, I never knew that you had to open up the kain and make sure that the forehead touches the soil. That was the toughest I think. I couldn't bear thinking of leaving her there. Alang was the one who had to open the kain and he broke down at the grave. This was our mother and we can't believe that she was really gone.

The day before was Mother's Day. My family had never been big about celebrating Mother's Day or Father's day but this year I felt that I wanted to do something for Mak. So I made this collage on Mother's Day and I posted it up in Facebook. But right after I posted it a thought crossed my mind like 'something is going to happen to Mak?' but I wrote if off saying that its all right. I'm just honouring Mak. I didn't expect that she will be gone forever the very next day.

Mak and her babies.

Today, suddenly you said to me "Ma, you miss Tok Mak." Just like that. Out of the blue. It was not a question. It was a quiet statement and you were right. I guess a 5 year old child is very receptive. I have not been myself ever since Tok Mak passed. I am grieving. It feels wrong to move on even though I know I know it shouldn't be. We have to cope. Life goes on but it just feels wrong.